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I have had a pretty good week - haven't been doing fabulous on the intake, but I'm doing better. No sodas.. just been drinking water and I generally eat a carnation instant breakfast everyday and have cambell's soup for lunch then I dunno for dinner. I've lost a few pounds but what I really need to do is start jogging again. I am constantly around tiny 16-17 yr old girls bc my bf's brother brings these girls over and I am always so jealous. I was tiny when I was that young. But you grow up, and out - you really just develop and it's almost impossible to stay little.

Effexor. I only took half my dose yesterday. I can definitely tell a difference from 300mg (body just feels weird, insanely intricate dreams), but I did fine on 150mg - no night sweats, brain "zaps" or whatever. Thing is, I've been so emotional lately, even ON my full dose. I feel alive again, not like I zombie. I just don't want to get suicidal or depressed again. I really don't want to start cutting again. I just need to stay busy.

I've also got back in to supplements again - I used to work at GNC and know waaay too much about vitamins/supplements. Going to take these daily: Chromium picolinate (hunger/energy), green tea pills (hunger/energy), water pills (water weight), L-Tyrosine (energy--waaaay better than caffeine and you lose weight), B-12 (energy), multivitamin, digestive enzymes (clean out), Xyience diet pills before workouts (massive energy boost).


Plan:
- Work Out (jog)
- Eat less
- 150mg Effexor daily
- Take Supplements everyday.


I paid $250 to my credit card debt today too - no money left over to shop/eat.

Overall, I'm feeling great about everything right now.


>>>My future wedding dress! St. Pucci makes the best!<<<


*******Edit (8:08pm)*******

So, my boyfriend works in the emergency room at a local hospital and told me they had a successful suicide today. My heart stopped when he told me that. I guess that's the emotional part of me coming out. It just broke my heart to hear that - and I've never thought about suicide from a medical standpoint. I've been there - I have seriously thought about it and half-attempted in the past. But from someone who works in medicine, it is so hard to lose a patient to suicide - to not be able to save them because that's what we do, we save people. It would make most medical professionals angry that they are taking time from other patients who didn't try to kill themselves, but it doesn't make me angry at all because I have been there, I understand, I hurt for them - to know someone is hurting that badly they are willing to take their own life to end the pain. it completely breaks my heart. When you feel like that, all you need is someone to dote on you and love you completely for who you are - just a best friend to take care of you, to cry with you, to hold you in their arms..

I hope anyone with suicidal thoughts, no matter how badly life hurts, tries to talk to someone and doesn't actually attempt death. Things will always get better - no matter how badly they hurt now.

On that note, if anyone out there feels this way, send me a message and I will give you my cell phone number and drop everything to talk to you or find a way to get to you. Life does get better.