Change....

Going to start a running routine tomorrow morning... gonna start with walking/jogging 1 mile 3 times a week, and i'll work up to running 3-4 miles daily.

I eat a million calories daily. I am almost 160 pounds although I don't look it... I WILL be 130 again... just need to work at it. Going to start feeling hungry ALL the time. Stop drinking beer. Stop drinking drinks with calories. Stop taking cream and sugar in my coffee. Start doing situps and pushups to start the routine.

Starting tomorrow I will change everything. Sleep when I can't take the hunger and emotion and run whenever I have energy. Pills galore.. birth control, effexor, tyrosine, water pills, tetracycline, green tea pills, omeprazole.. No puking.

3

I have had a pretty good week - haven't been doing fabulous on the intake, but I'm doing better. No sodas.. just been drinking water and I generally eat a carnation instant breakfast everyday and have cambell's soup for lunch then I dunno for dinner. I've lost a few pounds but what I really need to do is start jogging again. I am constantly around tiny 16-17 yr old girls bc my bf's brother brings these girls over and I am always so jealous. I was tiny when I was that young. But you grow up, and out - you really just develop and it's almost impossible to stay little.

Effexor. I only took half my dose yesterday. I can definitely tell a difference from 300mg (body just feels weird, insanely intricate dreams), but I did fine on 150mg - no night sweats, brain "zaps" or whatever. Thing is, I've been so emotional lately, even ON my full dose. I feel alive again, not like I zombie. I just don't want to get suicidal or depressed again. I really don't want to start cutting again. I just need to stay busy.

I've also got back in to supplements again - I used to work at GNC and know waaay too much about vitamins/supplements. Going to take these daily: Chromium picolinate (hunger/energy), green tea pills (hunger/energy), water pills (water weight), L-Tyrosine (energy--waaaay better than caffeine and you lose weight), B-12 (energy), multivitamin, digestive enzymes (clean out), Xyience diet pills before workouts (massive energy boost).


Plan:
- Work Out (jog)
- Eat less
- 150mg Effexor daily
- Take Supplements everyday.


I paid $250 to my credit card debt today too - no money left over to shop/eat.

Overall, I'm feeling great about everything right now.


>>>My future wedding dress! St. Pucci makes the best!<<<


*******Edit (8:08pm)*******

So, my boyfriend works in the emergency room at a local hospital and told me they had a successful suicide today. My heart stopped when he told me that. I guess that's the emotional part of me coming out. It just broke my heart to hear that - and I've never thought about suicide from a medical standpoint. I've been there - I have seriously thought about it and half-attempted in the past. But from someone who works in medicine, it is so hard to lose a patient to suicide - to not be able to save them because that's what we do, we save people. It would make most medical professionals angry that they are taking time from other patients who didn't try to kill themselves, but it doesn't make me angry at all because I have been there, I understand, I hurt for them - to know someone is hurting that badly they are willing to take their own life to end the pain. it completely breaks my heart. When you feel like that, all you need is someone to dote on you and love you completely for who you are - just a best friend to take care of you, to cry with you, to hold you in their arms..

I hope anyone with suicidal thoughts, no matter how badly life hurts, tries to talk to someone and doesn't actually attempt death. Things will always get better - no matter how badly they hurt now.

On that note, if anyone out there feels this way, send me a message and I will give you my cell phone number and drop everything to talk to you or find a way to get to you. Life does get better.

2

I really miss my boyfriend who is in Shreveport, LA for spring break.. really miss him. I trust him though, I've just been cheated on and I hope he isn't (but I know he is) talking to other girls. But talking isn't a crime. Just wish I was there by his side. But we were separated when he planned the trip with one of his guy friends.

My Day:
- Slept for 12 hours, Woke up..
- Ate 2 eggs, a bunch of grapes
- Had a gyn appt
- Had a sandwich from jimmy john's, ugh I ate like crap and didn't work out.
- Came home and slept for 3 more hours
- Woke up, here I am. Hungry.

I'm about to go out to a bar and have some drinks with friends, I kind of want to stay home though.. I'm tired, always tired. I will end up going though because that's what I do. I know if I stay home, I will sleep more and just get more and more depressed. What is wrong with me!?

I don't feel good about myself, that's what is wrong. I severely need a good day.

*******Edit 12:50am********

So I went out, had one green beer... stupid girl. My ex called and asked if I wanted to go out and have drinks with old friends for st. patty's day. I didn't want to sit at home so I did. He was wasted, I was bored... He texted wanting me to break up with my boyfriend and I told him he was a loser and obviously I said FUCK no. He went on to tell me how I am "sub-par" compared to him and how my boyfriend is a loser, and even talked about how my dad is a loser for being divorced. UGH. I should have stayed my ass home. I shouldn't have gone out with him at all - I shouldn't even be talking to him but I thought we could be friends. This is why I don't stay friends with exes. All he did was hurt my feelings, and I know the guy is an asshole, but FUCK. Really? We're adults now.. grow up. I guess it's true the drama never ends - no matter how old you get. I miss my boyfriend.

Goodnight.

1

Going on 9 years, I've decided the struggle with my body will never end.

I am 20, in college, been with my boyfriend on and off for about 10 months, typical.

I work 2 part time jobs, living back at home with parents for now.

I've been eating like crap for the past few months and finally it is taking its toll on my body.

I used to be okay with being 140 - I got comfortable with my weight, I thought I beat this disease. But I didn't, I haven't.

Now, I am now approaching 150. I barely fit into my size 28 seven jeans. I am nauseated everyday, all the time. I just don't digest food it seems. I feel heavy and lethargic.

- Didn't take my effexor last night

- Woke up at 2:45pm today with withdrawals and night sweats after 12 hours of crazy dreams.

- Had a bowl of chili

- Ate some rice cakes

- Cleaned boyfriends house

- Ate chips, water and went home

- Cleaned and had 3 pieces of toast

- Felt nauseated as hell.

- Family cooked dinner: BBQ chicken, new potatoes, and peas.

- Turned on the shower, puked up dinner and undigested chili and felt better, took a shower

- Went tanning

- Went shopping at walmart - added to my $8,000 of credit card debt..

I guess the basics, Height: 66", HW 156, LW 122 - No GW - Just skinny - Not boney skinny, just lanky.. 'angelina jolie in wanted' skinny. It's helpful for me to talk about everything and write down my in/out to see what works as far as weight loss. But I also want to track my debt here and see how long it takes me to get it down again. I've also been on Effexor XR (evil drug) for 4 years - was put on it for depression and I'm determined to get off of it, but if you've ever taken it, you know the withdrawal effects are HELL - it is not easy. I will write about that here. Maybe I'll end up counting calories again. Who knows. I hate that I was "cured" - I beat anorexia. I was happy with my weight, or so I thought.. but here I am. Again.